EVIL HEIDI

INTRO.

Welcome to the virtual lab of the EVIL HEIDI experiment (from this point forward, whenever you read the words "EVIL HEIDI", picture lightning flashing outside your windows for optimum effects, ok?), another prime example of how the simplicity of web publishing has encouraged more asinine material to saturate the Internet. Here you can read about all the exciting developments in the growth my cactus plant EVIL HEIDI and the relationship of its growth to my friend Heidi's evil nature, a very scientific process. Really. It is. Oh and I suppose this site is also created because I'm procrastinating on finishing another never ending project...something about AR, which I think stands for "almost ready" because that's the state it's been for the past 3 months.

THE STORY.

The EVIL HEIDI experiment is the result of bad PR about my inability to take care of another lifeform, particularly kids, but since they wouldn't allow me to experiment on kids, I have to settle for a cactus. It's a good substitute as long as you take into consideration that a cactus needs less water than a kid. With that taken into consideration, the cactus makes for an excellent control group, especially when used to measure the level of evil.

THE LOGS.

[DAY 1 - June 11, 2003]

Today is the big day the little seeds were planted into their pot.

Since I mentioned this is a scientific process, we also introduced the OREO VARIABLE. Everyone can throw seeds into a pot, but how well do the seeds fair with a little help from their friends milk & cookies? Don't believe everything you read about gardening. Desert plants really enjoy milk. Not all of life's lessons can be learned from books (write that one down).

[DAY 2 - June 12, 2003]

Today the soil patch appears unchanged. After a day of care, the seeds are still asleep somewhere subsurface. After enduring 2 rounds of watering (1 day of milk and 1 day of water), the OREO appears to be quite soggy, though the molecular structure is doing a fine job keeping its cylindrical form. Soggy creme filling still possesses enough viscocity to hold two chocolate cookies in place to complete the perfect cookie sandwich. The creme filling is also doing an amazing job keeping its pearly white property despite being housed in dirt.

[DAY 3 - June 13, 2003]

Today was Friday the 13th. The sun elected to pull a no show in order to make the environment ripe for gloomy homicidal events to come on this special day. I'm happy to announce that no psychos wielding kitchen knives with a hockey mask on came to attack EVIL HEIDI, which is definitely good news since EVIL HEIDI will not be starting any self defense classes until she at least germinates. I received a not-so-anonymous tip from a future plant scientist saying baby cactus requires more water than adult cactus so I made sure EVIL HEIDI received enough water to have its first swimming lesson today. The soil remains in its uneventful state as EVIL HEIDI has yet to peak its evil horns. The OREO however, is starting to crumble under pressure despite my efforts telling it to pull itself together. The crumbling of the cookie is a historic event that will be heavily documented like the fall of the Berlin Wall, but you heard it here first so make sure you remember to tell your grandkids that.

Day 3

[DAY 3 - June 14, 2003]

Today, like everyday in the past month, is rainy and miserable. Apparently, the CIA weather machine is still broken. It is so humid and the air is so thick that you have to swim through the air to get to your destination. Luckily, we are not going anywhere because I currently still have a dirt patch with a half-buried oreo housed in a flower pot. EVIL HEIDI is currently competing with the WANTED flyer with a police sketch of a murder suspect on our refridgerator in drawing the most "What is that?" inquiries from visiting guests.

[DAY 3 - June 15, 2003]

On this lovely Fathers Day, the sun finally decided to show up for work. Personally, I think the sun's having an affair (my guess is the next door neighbor's overgrown weed that keeps sneaking through the cracks of the fence to our yard for the party), but it could very well just have to go to the bank frequently like someone else I know. There are still no signs of horns peaking through the soil. As to the state of the OREO, I was hoping the time out in the sun would bake it so that it would solidify more, but that is apparently a wrong assumption. The OREO is starting to give off a faint alcoholic smell. I think it's fermenting. In another day or two, EVIL HEIDI will be having its first OREO mud slide and will probably have had more alcohol in its young lifetime than I have had in mine.

In other news, there has been quite a turnout in response in the first week of the EVIL HEIDI experiment. Let's check out some of the best of the mail bag, shall we?

"you really do scare me" - Robyn
"it's almost more of a countdown to see how long an oreo keeps its shape since the cacti won't grow...hehe" - Heidi
"you got way too much time on your hands. Waaaaay too much. you're nuts. i think it has something to do with those 8 concussions" - Bryan
"haha. i knew u had an evil sister. o_O you are a genius." - Abreum
"as a soon-to-be plant scientist, i feel like i should report you to the ethics committee or something. me, i'm waiting for an oreo tree to grow out of there." - Val
"Did you know having a cactus in your room is bad Feng Shui?" - Mairead (no, but when was the last time anyone cared about what the peasant farmers in China had to say?)
"gods...i can't wait to see what this cactus looks like" - Ginger
"are you growing your own oreos now? store bought not good enough?" - Garret
"why did you grow this kind of cactus? they have those bigass annoying thorns." - Vin (duh, it's an evil cactus...hello?)
"did you eat paint chips as a kid??" - Lori
"you will one day be on the border of certifiably insane" - Katye

[DAY 4 - June 16, 2003]

This plantcare thing is as intriguing as watching golf on *yawn*...zzzzz....zzzz....

Oh where were we. So the EVIL HEIDI experiment has made it to Day 4 and there is still a pot of dirt with a decomposing OREO under my care. I still have no cactus. I decided to adhere to a wise saying my drafting teacher used to always beat into our heads— "When in doubt, read the directions." That's worrysome advice in hindsight considering we're suppose to be making blueprints. Anyway, let's find out what sorts of gardening tips this 150 mg pouch of seeds have for me.

Directions & Care: Seed can be started indoors at any time of the year (good to know). Use equal parts coarse sand and leaf mold (uhh what does that mean? Nod and smile, nod and smile...it'll look like you know what you're doing). Barely cover seed and water sparingly (sparingly? oops). Until seed germinates, keep planter covered with glass or pliofilm to retain heat and moisture (plio-what?).

I translated those directions as give EVIL HEIDI a yamulke.

The condition of the OREO continues to deteriorate. The odor is more pungent than yesterday, but only if you put your nose near the pot so I guess my room still meets the health & safety regulations. Today, I observed the first sign of life inside the EVIL HEIDI pot. EVIL HEIDI's OREO friend is attracting friends from the fungus family. Companionship is important in a child's developmental growth. I think I read that somewhere.


[DAY 5 - June 17, 2003]

EUREEKA! There is life in the pot not pertaining to mold! One looks kind of like a bean sprout and the other two look like weed, but life is life. I can't be too picky and set my standards too high. This is the first step towards "I told you so" bragging rights.

[DAY 7 - June 19, 2003]

I wasn't too found of the number 6 so I decided to just skip it altogether and move on to Day 7. It's now been a week and there are still no evil horns showing in the pot, much to my disappointment. The weed triplet appears to have grown a little taller though. EVIL HEIDI's friend, the OREO, is doing a spectacular job growing a beard. A chunk of the right cookie also fell. Based on these observations, I conclude that an OREO year, like the dog year, is much shorter than a human year. One day on the Gregorian calendar is probably equivalent to 10 years in an OREO's life. Therefore, my OREO has the physique of a 70 yer old right now. But have no fear, just as humans are vain and dye their hair to hide the grey, I'm sure with a little FD&C Blue No. 1, the OREO will look rejuvenated again. If not, it'll look like cotton candy trying.

[DAY 10 - June 22, 2003]

Ten days into this disasterous experiment and I still have no EVIL HEIDI horns. The mold growing on the OREO on the other hand, is getting out of control. EVIL HEIDI resides in a big pot and the mold has spread to cover most of it.

Naturally, I did what every gardener would do in my situation to remedy this problem...

I doused the pot in turpentine, the only flammable liquid I could find, and I set the OREO ablaze on this cold, wet, never-ending rainy night.


While this method was effective in ridding the pot of the unwelcomed mold, and also a somewhat inaccurate science of determining the calorie of an OREO, it unfortunately left EVIL HEIDI's home smelling rather unpleasant and saturating the soil of unwanted chemicals. If wholesome skim milk didn't make EVIL HEIDI grow, somehow, I don't think turpentine will. During this whole ordeal, I was tempted to change the objective of the experiment to finding new forms of penicillin, but then I found a leftover set of ethics in my back pocket and decided to log my failures instead. At the conclusion of this experiment, I learned that I should be thankful I don't live in OHIO or some other boring state because I would probably light the entire state on fire.


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